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词十四创作班第七讲画楼组作业贴:点评老师润龙 |
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点评
“桌”处应平,需改。“蕤宾”生涩,词之语尽量浅显为好。上片写时,下片写姐妹情,忆旧期新,布局合理。美酒指雄黄酒吧,这是避邪之用,用“美”不太准确。歌似梦,此时的歌也不太合意。加油。
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点评
这阕词不错,词语到位。下片的枕上改梦里是否更觉殷殷之期待?
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